Motherhood: fight for yourself not with yourself
Picture this…
The tall, tinted windows let just the right amount of sunlight heat the hallway. You can feel the warmth of the sun as you pass by the giant glass rectangles, and the pillars that create a beautiful sun-streaked pattern and cool spots. The marble floor echoes the click-clack of your kitten heels as you approach the double door office where it’s all about to happen.
Your best “power” outfit is confidently displayed on your form, all business, with a splash of style and color. As you brush the gently curled tendrils of hair falling from your french roll you catch a glimpse of your hazy reflection in the windows and you sigh contentedly. Your nails are polished, the bag you carry matches perfectly, your make-up is on point and the dainty little earrings swinging subtly are the perfect addition of personality you need.
Prepared would be an understatement. You’ve been dreaming of this moment for months while you’ve worked diligently to deconflict any potential problems or objections. Your work has taken months of research, writing, interviewing, studying… while you’ve never worked harder or longer hours you have never felt more fulfilled. Your heart skips a beat, you think of opening your mouth and presenting this plan, this idea, this project that lights you up to think about. It flashes through your mind how your voice will sound as the first words hit the air. Confidence and certainty is what you’re going to project.
It’s the biggest corporate deal you’ll have ever made. You stand to make more money, gain more respect, be a beacon of hope for your community and company all in one fell swoop. The once quiet dream of your heart is now going to come to fruition with people who want the same thing… but it all depends on you.
You approach the extra wide, wooden, double doors, peering through the slim glass panes in the door and see the boardroom table full. Every chair is filled with an expectant face, notebooks out, pen in hand, ready and willing to take action on everything you present.
You grab the cold metal door handle and swing the heavy wooden door open with purpose. You step sure-footedly onto the stock carpet, smile at all the participants and hear the door easily click closed behind you. As you take your place at the front of the room, you take a deep breath and open your mouth…
“MOM!, Mom, mom, mama, mommy,” interrupts the first sentence that was about to escape your lips. You blink hard and the boardroom starts to fade away. You are suddenly staring across the room to your family room bookshelf. From this particular angle and fuzzy eyesight you can now see a wedged cup of cheerios spilling down the backside of the bookcase and probably where the ants are being drawn to. Your neck doesn’t want to move from it’s awkwardly crooked position.
With another long blink you start to hear the loud and uppity songs of children’s shows blaring from the TV. Your focus shifts from the cheerios to a package of slime escaping to yet another unknown crack and then to a sippy cup, tipped over on the floor and despite the claims of “no-spill” is leaking milk on to the freshly vacuumed carpet.
More quickly now you begin to come to. You realize you’re still folding the pile of laundry from earlier sitting on your own couch. The warmth of the kids clothes is now making you sweat under yesterday’s t-shirt and legging combo. You touch your face and realize that no, your make is not on point, your hair is not french rolled and there are no perfectly swinging dainty earrings hanging from your ears. You do however find a messy bun and one silver stud earring hanging on by a thread. There’s no bid deal to be made with corporate powerhouses, there’s no boardroom and no perfectly maintained YOU standing in the middle of it all.
You’ve awoken to your life. The kids are shouting in the other room and the “Mom, mom, mama, mommy” was ringing loudly in an effort to tattle on what the other had done. The sink is still full of dishes, there are more loads of laundry to be done, something needs to get defrosted for dinner and judging by the smell there is another diaper that is ready to be changed. Plus, you’ve now isolated the cheerio mystery, which may resolve the ant issue however slime is a mess all of its own and the milk has to be cleaned before it soaks into the carpet and the smell lives on beyond the days of sippy cups.
There is a moment of disappointment. The weight of all the chores, all the humans, all the mess that you are responsible for. The weight of trying to balance mom and wife, daughter and friend, who you are, who you used to be and who you want to be is delicate and emotional. The weight of knowing tomorrow will be the same but different; same chores, new fights to reconcile between siblings, new messes to clean, new errands to run…
Deep sigh…
And then in a split second the disappointment is gone as quickly as it appeared. The pitter patter of little feet come toddling in, making no detour, straight to you. Chubby hands take yours and little brick-ish feet step on top of your own, still in slippers even though it’s well after noon. A sticky yet adorable little mouth headed right for you puts a kiss directly on your cheek… your desire to be anywhere else completely dissolves.
Before the chubby hands and brick-ish feet can get away you jump up, dumping laundry onto the floor, chase down this sweet little human, scooping up the diapered booty and putting kisses right back all over their neck and cheeks. Laughter ensues and you know, even though your heart has big dreams, big desires, big hopes for the future… right now, right here, is where you’re supposed to be.
_________
I’d be lying if I said I loved every part of motherhood. I’d be lying if I said everyday had a fairy tale ending or a “Danny Tanner” moment like Full House from the early 90s. I’d be lying if I said that every stage and age is fun, that everyday is an exciting challenge that’s resolved with hugs and understanding on everyone’s part. Some days are a fight from beginning to end. Some days are literally and figuratively a walk in the park. Some days come with questions you have no idea how to answer and even other days you may be crushing it to win mother of the year.
It is a tightrope walk that we are all walking everyday. The balancing act of the season we are in can bring on so much emotion; the balance between who you are, who you were and where you’re going… It’s okay to miss who you used to be and still love who you are and where you’re headed. It’s okay to want to go back to work or want desperately to quit your job. It’s okay to feel the feelings that you’re feeling for the day. But here’s the deal, don’t miss the “sticky kiss” moments because you’re too tangled up in what was or what will be. Some of life is designed to be lived perfectly in the moment… no distractions and not another thought.
Wherever you are at this moment is okay. It’s going to change… maybe in the next five minutes or maybe it will be five months, but wherever you are the only thing we are guaranteed to experience is change. Hold on for the changing moment and when it gets here don’t be distracted by what might have been or could be. See the change and embrace your season but until then wear the t-shirt and leggings with a messy bun and one earring, enjoy sticky kisses, find teachable moments in the struggle, carve out time to dream and finally, fight for yourself, not with yourself to get as much joy out of everyday.
